The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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