Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
