I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
