if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
