The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
