Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
3pm strippers are depressing
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
