so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
