She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I AM VODKA MAN
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize