Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
