I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
