he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
