On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
