Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
