Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize