I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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