Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
