woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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