Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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