is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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