dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
