Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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