I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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