The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
