I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
