I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
