i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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