I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
