my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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