I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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