I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize