dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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