Ketchup is God's man juice
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
