Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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