and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
