Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
