There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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