highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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