I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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