I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
