When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
