do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
