hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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