that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
