I hate all girls vehemently.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
