you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
