I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
