I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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