I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
