I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize