still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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