There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Send help, water and tortillas.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
