shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
