I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
