Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
