I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
