Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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