Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
