I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize