ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
