that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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